Well, friends, it seems that the dating pool sucks. Having been out of the dating game for over 12 years, I rely on the countless stories from my single and open-relationship friends; who have gone so far as to say the dating pool has “piss” in it (their words, not mine).
You don’t even have to take my word for it, you can scour the many Twitter threads where people are sharing their Hinge DM conversations for proof. I’ve seen everything from a Google form questionnaire to the eternal debate of who should pay the tab on a first date.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve had about three or four different conversations about dating with different single friends. One was dating a guy for about a month and kept me updated on every little milestone. She called me when they went on their second date and held hands in the booth, kissing the night away. She sent me a voice note when they spent their first night together. She even told me about the day she proposed leaving her house shoes in his closet.
Then came the flags. He began commenting on her hair and asked if she would be willing to grow it out. Next, he didn’t like that every time she saw him, she was wearing sweatpants (keeping in mind she only saw him around 11 pm after his late-night restaurant work shift.) The last straw for ME was when he asked her to mop his kitchen floor for him. It baffled me that within only two months, this dating situation was turning into a full-fledged and problematic relationship.
My friend began to notice other things that made her unsure of him, like his lack of financial responsibility or pursuit of any goals. Eventually, she realized she wasn’t willing to continue dating him despite the fact that she really liked him otherwise.
Another friend didn't approve of the way her guy handled conflict. He was petty during one of their fights and failed to communicate, which made her wonder if she should continue their 7-month relationship.
These moments and a few others made me ask the question – how do you know when to work through disapproving behaviors and when to call it quits?
I’ve always been the one who tried to leave my current relationship– not because I didn't want to be with my now husband, but because whenever there was a conflict it felt easier to quit than to stay. Over time, we’ve learned to work through our issues as we bear the discomfort of growth and evolution.
While I know marriage and dating are very different things, I also must acknowledge that in order to get to marriage or long-term relationship status (if that is your goal) you have to make space for conflict.
In any relationship, there is never just one person who needs to grow – ever. We all have faults. We all have growing to do no matter how perfect you think you are. What you have to discover about yourself and your partner, is how willing you are to give space for growth.
What I told my friend with the petty boyfriend is that she should pay attention to patterns. If this is someone you like and are interested in pursuing, give them a chance to change.
Have a conversation and give them space to realize their shortcoming
Explain your expectations and how their behavior makes you feel
Take responsibility for the parts you can control (for example, your reaction or insecurities around the thing)
Give them chances to show progress
If you do all of this, the behavior hasn’t changed at all, and you feel like you’ve given all you can, it may be time to let it go. If you see small changes and you still want to be with them, it could be worthwhile to stick it out.
If what you dislike are behavioral flaws like friend #1 – for example, they’re financially irresponsible or they procrastinate – those habits can change but it may take years. If you don’t have years to give, let it go.
There are a number of questions you can ask yourself if you need a few prompts to help you process whether you should quit or continue:
Do I like this person? Am I interested in learning more about them?
Ask yourself, does it matter? Is this a societal expectation or a need?
What traits do you like? What traits are difficult for you to accommodate? What thought processes coincide with your own and what thoughts do not?
Would we/Do we complement each other, or clash?
Does the good outweigh the bad? Are there non-negotiables? How long am I willing to stick around and make it work? Is it worth it?
Are these traits, behaviors, or mindsets something I could deal with long-term if this person never changes?
Can I help this person grow or teach them things? Am I willing to? Do I want to?
Can I learn from them? Am I willing to learn from them?
Are they willing to grow?
Are any of my preferences or dislikes shallow? Do they matter?
How can I change myself?
Sometimes, you just have to take a chance and follow your gut. No matter how it looks on paper or what people tell you, listen to your inner dialogue. Listen to the red flags and have candid conversations with yourself and your potential partner.
Despite all of these questions and the answers you get, please note that you can’t make anyone change and you can’t control anyone. If who they are at their core isn’t good enough for you OR you simply don’t care enough to even ask yourself these questions, let it go.