Maybe It's Time To Check Your Dealbreakers.
We all have deal breakers; things in life we’d never do, tolerate, or eat. Things we refuse to engage in. Games we won’t play. Roller Coasters we won’t ride; like the Goliath at Six Flags Over Georgia.
Deal Breakers are boundaries that keep us safe, comfortable, and at times, even complacent. They change over time depending on how we grow because they are very intimate and tailored to the person who holds them. Yet still, our partners are somewhat responsible for knowing what our deal breakers are just as much as we’re responsible for communicating them.
“Dealbreaker” isn’t a term I use often nor is it something I’ve ever given much thought to, until now. In the few relationships and situationships I’ve been in, I never took the time to establish what my deal breakers were. Now, ten years into marriage, I’m finally having a conversation with myself that maybe I should have had 10 years ago.
I took a poll on my social media and asked people what their deal breakers are for romantic relationships and this is what they said:
Being unable or unwilling to really see yourself and the areas that need work
Physical abuse
Lack of emotional awareness
Unwillingness to communicate needs
Not being able to talk and communicate
An unhealthy relationship with family
Lack of self-awareness
Unable to hold a conversation
Not politically aware
No desire for growth
Lack of communication and always being defensive with having a real conversation
Because our preferences and experiences are so multifaceted, a deal breaker for one person isn’t always a deal breaker for another. For example, a non-political partner wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but a partner who is physically abusive would absolutely be.
The weird thing about deal breakers is that they can change as you move through life and relationships. Because they're personal and based on your own human experience, it’s also possible to not even know what your deal breakers are until you experience them.
A trait or characteristic you thought you couldn’t live with may become unnoticeable after spending years with a person. You may realize you don’t mind that thing after all or you’re willing to stay through the growth. On the other hand, something that was not a deal breaker before could become one over time based on how it makes you feel or impacts your life.
My husband and I have been having a particular argument for years. It’s an argument we revisit every six months or so when we’re both triggered and the conversation always ends the same way: him thinking I’m inflexible, me thinking he’s selfish. We spend 24 hours in a cold war and then it’s back to life as normal until the next trigger.
Lately, I’ve been asking myself if this particular thing is a dealbreaker. If my husband never changes and I never change, will this be a thing that could eventually break us? It’s not a question I have an answer to, but it has led me to examine my dealbreakers a bit further.
What are the things I’m dealing with that maybe I don’t have to be?
Are there things that I once thought were dealbreakers that no longer are?
Am I willing to deal with this for the rest of our marriage and if not, don’t I owe it to my husband to make that clear?
And the most important question of them all: is this something that my husband needs to change or am I actually the problem?
I know– we never want to ask that question, but I do think it’s necessary to be deeply self-reflective and aware.
The tricky thing about deal breakers is that when you’re happy, you don’t think about them but when you’re sad, they’re all you think about. It’s often difficult to say how a particular trait or character flaw will affect you in a long-term relationship. Assessing and reassessing our deal breakers helps us along the relationship path. We need to know how we’re feeling and whether or not we want to stay or leave. If nothing else, it reaffirms you’re in the right relationship when you want to stay, and it gives you an opportunity to have a conversation if you don't.
You may wonder if your deal breakers are valid. You may wonder if maybe you should just keep putting up with or dealing with this problem for a while longer. Maybe it will change. Maybe it will get better. Maybe you’ll get used to it. And then you ask yourself, should this even be a dealbreaker?
Unfortunately and fortunately you’re the only person who can answer that last question. You could get guidance from friends, therapists, and others in relationships but ultimately, you have to decide whether or not you’re going to stay in a relationship where one or more of your deal breakers are being exposed.
Here are some questions I’ve been asking myself and I invite you to ask them as well:
What are my dealbreakers?
What or who are they based on? Are they healthy? Are they based on trauma I haven’t healed?
Have I communicated my deal breakers to my partner? Does my partner have any deal breakers that I don’t know about?
If ______ is a dealbreaker, what am I going to do about it?
If you’re open, feel free to share your deal breakers with me. We can learn from each other and know we’re not alone in trying to find peace, reassurance, and revelation that leads us closer to the relationships we deserve.