Via Flintts Mints
Get a bucket and a mop
I’ll never forget the first few times I saw the ads;
UGC videos of women spitting long, elastic strands of saliva onto, I guess, the floor?
As someone who doesn’t really have the stomach for that kind of thing, I would just scroll on by, minding my own business. Eventually, they became unavoidable, and I finally gave the ad a chance.
What the fuck are these commercials for?
Let me officially begin by saying that capitalism has gone too far. My boyfriend and I were actually talking about this earlier in the week— specifically the period of time when there were products for everything. Even just this morning while I was scrolling through Reels, I saw a video by someone who found a 1970s-era “peanut butter maker.” Why settle for just one, multipurpose blender when you can buy one for each of your highly specific needs!
Culture and consumerism tend to ebb and flow between periods of minimalism and maximalism, and it seems as though we have officially exited the era of tiny homes and into the era of bl*w j*b mints.
Yep, mints for oral sex. No, you’re not ready.
After finally getting through the Flintts Mints ad just one time, I experienced every kind of emotion. First, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought it was a joke. I watched the ad AGAIN only to find out that yes— the person in this ad wants me to believe that the grotesque excess of saliva that ran down her chin and into the ground below her was because of a mint.
The relevance of this aside, one thing was clear: this is what we're doing now.
It's true! They make candy for hoes now. Huge year for me!
Sure, they might not *only* be for that, but they’re not not for that. Flintts mints are for people who have issues with dry mouth. People can experience dry mouth for a multitude of reasons. I smoke weed (it’s legal in New Jersey) and no matter how hydrated I am beforehand, my mouth turns into a desert wasteland within the hour. Many of you are likely with me on this front. It’s worth mentioning, though, that the marketing was so sexual in nature that there’s really no mistaking the intention there. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. I’m no prude by any means, but damn. If this is something I’m going to be seeing on a regular basis while I’m scrolling through Instagram on the train or with my family, I might just have to avoid the app in public altogether.
Anyway, I digress.
Dry mouth cause also affects my ability to, well, have a wet mouth when needed the most. Am I dancing around this too much? Sometimes I smoke weed and it makes doing oral sex difficult. It’s an embarrassing problem to have in the moment but my partner has never made me feel uncomfortable about anything in my life so the decision to try these bad boys out was absent of male influence.
In fact, the price was a deterrent until they advertised a sale. Spending more than MAYBE $3 on mints, with or without a special function, is a bit crazy. Well, crazy is a bit judgmental. Surely there are people out there who will find this product and will not be able to live without it. Still, $50 for just a few packs is, uh... a choice.
That fact notwithstanding, it still made me kinda sad to realize that there’s marketing on Instagram telling girls that their mouths might not be wet enough for their partner. Girls worry so much about their sexual worthiness that it essentially ruins the experience and their self-image. Also, when it comes to non-life-threatening issues like dry mouth or eyes, I do whatever I can to mitigate the issue before introducing a chemical I’ve never heard of before. If my mom were reading this she’d probably say “that’s a lot coming from someone who loves marijuana!” Perhaps there’s some merit to that, but maybe I just want to be a bit more selective regarding what chemicals I ingest, and maybe we should all just chill for a second before we start taking shit that essentially makes you drown on land.
However, if I’m being honest, I did precisely zero research on the active ingredient in these mints before taking them. The website doesn't really explain what the active ingredient is or where it comes from. They probably also mentioned that it’s safe but again, I’d be lying if I told you I confirmed that on my own. The whole thing is incredibly sketchy but irresistibly cute so my dumb ass just dove right in.
The mints are available in different flavors AND F-strengths. The F-strength denotes the degree to which the mints will make you salivate. While there are approximately 8 flavors (not including those that are seasonal), each flavor is only available in 1 strength. For example, the regular menthol-flavored mint is only available in strength 200, placing it nicely in the center of a strength spectrum that spans 125-250. I’m not sure why the numbers are so random but I’m sure if I gave the active ingredient more research attention it would make sense. I was really only interested in finding out a few things:
1- Do they work? If so, how well?
2- Are they tasty? Which flavors are the best or worst?
3- Are there any side effects? If so, what are they?
4- Did it arrive on time, correctly, and with accurate tracking information? If not, was the customer service experience good enough to trust the service again?
5- Is the product cute enough to confidently keep in my purse or in my nightstand?
Addressing the first point, in short, I have to say that after trying every available strength and flavor, I’m not particularly impressed. I tried the lemon flavor before the others because it resides in the center of the spectrum, just 25 (points?) higher than mint. I was debating whether I should start by taking a half or a whole due to my inexperience with this chemical and the minor fear that I could be allergic to the main ingredient. I’m crazy so I just popped the whole thing in and waited. It took about 4 whole minutes before I felt anything whatsoever, which might have been the part of this review that surprised me the most. You would think that the purpose of offering something like this in mint form would be to quickly and effectively achieve those moistening effects, whether you’re in it to fight discomfort or… the other thing. Once it hit, though, it was completely fucking bizarre. I felt a numbing effect (that did not make its way to my throat, in case you’re wondering). It was quite uncomfortable and once the saliva production kicked in I felt at times that I could choke. Earlier I mentioned that I was crazy so it shouldn’t shock you to learn that the very next thing I did was pop a handful in my mouth at once. That did nothing but burn, don’t do that.
Overall I would rank the wetness augmentation factor at a solid 6.5/10. This includes all flavors and strengths and also considers the unfortunate reality that the moistening effects didn’t last longer than around 5 minutes regardless of flavor or strength as well. Considering the price of $18 per pack of three (which you can’t customize) that honestly sucks. But if you have the money to burn and don’t mind hitting the pack more than once per scenario, I guess that’s acceptable?
That covered most of the aforementioned points, but the packaging and shipment experiences were notable as well. One definitely was more positive than the other.
The packaging? Gorgeous and smart. The logo is hot and the exterior design is aesthetically both minimal and playful. Functionally, I love a package that easily dispenses a single serving of whatever it's containing. I don’t care who you are, that’s a satisfying experience. Even the shape of the mints themselves was cute as hell. They mimic the design of the logo, which is a quirky little Sun. No notes here.
EXCEPT for the fact that when I first opened my shipment, the box of mints sitting at the top of the container was ajar and about ten loose mints were just chilling in there all dirty and suspicious. Ironically enough, the packing slip beneath that mess read something along the lines of “My name is so and so and I packed this shipment myself JUST to ensure that nothing was wrong with it!!”
Whoever that was either did a really bad job or there’s some fundamental problem with the functionality of the containers individually. Either way, I didn’t feel comfortable ingesting those loose ones, and they were immediately discarded upon discovery. That could have been an act of paranoia but when it comes to things you eat, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And that’s coming from a person who “smokes a lot of weed.” It also took me a month to get my product due to some supply chain issues with the mint flavor specifically. If it were a personal purchase I would have asked for a refund. A month is more than enough time to regret a $50 purchase on mints, but I did it for you! Please clap.
I score Flintts 8/10 for packaging and 4/10 for shipping and handling. At least they kept me in the loop via email while the issues were going down, shit happens.
Eventually, I’ll develop a solid rubric for reviews that are as comprehensive as these so that I can maintain some level of consistency while I go off on tangent after tangent, but for now, I can confidently describe the experience with one word: fine. Next time your mouth is dry, try water.